"Because Of You"
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you

This song depicts the way I feel. And its dedicated to all of those who have hurt me in the past. Its such a deep song, and I cry everytime I hear it. Reminds me of the pain I went through and still go through. Loneliness is such a pitiful thing.

Such a dark and depressing weekend. So cold and wet outside, makes me wanna just curl up in my bed and sleep. Don't you just hate it when a bummy weather ruins your mood? I just realized that the weather affects me more than I know. All week I was studying for my midterms, the last one which was on Thursday. Monday to Thursday was abnormally warm for October weather and I was looking forward to relaxing under the sun on Friday. But as luck woul dhave it, the weather gets shitty starting friday and into my long weekend. I came so school drenched friday morning and was in the shittiest mood all day.

Mabye its PMS time, or maybe not. I was so moody and pissed off. I didn't wanna talk to anyone and the smallest things would just make me blow up. It was a horrible day. I hat e it when I'm so moody, drains all my energy.

Life sucks so much. I'm so sick of it. My damn mother and her complaining. Kinda makes me wish that we were rich, so that I could have gone to school elsewhere and not have to stay at home. Why must money be such a big deal? What is with everyone and their obsession with money? Why much everything depend on this shit colored pieces of paper? I quit my job, and now I'm quite broke. I don't even have money to spend on things for school. I must buy my own clothes. My mom nags me every fucking week about how much she spends on tuition for me and bitches about why I culdn't just work more to pay for my own schooling and questions why I didn't ask for student loan. Can't I just have some peace? I have a hard enough time keeping up with school as it is without having to worry about working a part-time job, and now I must try to incorporate that into my schedule? I'm sick of this sick. Its not like we can't afford to pay my tuition, she just doesn't want to. I'm not even the best student out there, I don't like studying, and I don't even wanna study, and I must work during school? Well.....there goes my fucking grades. Might as well just drop out and not worry about that. Life is just fucking great as of right now. I can't handle a job with my homework. It's too hard. But I don't think i have a choice. If I get one, I must spend absolutely every single living moment working on hw so that I don't more behind than I already am, and stop coming on the internet for stuff other than homework. I can't handle it. Why doesn't anyone understand. I'm tired. Just want everything to go away.

I just had my first midterm. Let's just say it didn't go as well as plan. Or might I put it, it didn't go well. It kinda motivates me to work harder, but I don't think I can. I'm not a study person, not the type who can concentrate on one subject for long hours without drifting off. So many smart people in Biochem and I want and strive to be recognized as one of them. But it seems so hard. Intelligence seems to come to these people naturally. Too bad it doesn't for me. I used to think it did, people used to tell me I was smart and caught onto things quickly. What happened? Now I'm in the bottom percentil of the class. I'm sick of sitting squished under all those over-achievers. I want to be up there with them. I can't stand poor grades, yet I find its so hard to face the fact that sometimes its not possible for me to achieve a higher mark than the one I already got. School appeals differently to everyone, and that's the hard part. I don't know if I can put up with the stress of feeling as though I've failed or that I haven't reached my full potential. What happened to my passion for school? Oh. THAT. It died a long time ago when i started getting bad grades. If I can get through this semester, I'll be so happy. I'll even get down on my knees and cry possibly. I've said it many times, and I think I will repeat again. Hopefully if i say it enough, it'll actually come true. No more slacking off from now, just studying and more studying and developping better study habits. I promise to lay off the booze and partying til X-mas, if that helps my brain cells any. I THAT desperate to do well. I refuse to let school control my emotions and to let stress drive me from being a happy person.

Need to get my hair cut. Need to get myself some hot looking boots. Need to find a job. Need to catch up with school. Need to prepare for midterms. Need to pass midterms. Need to do well on midterms. There are just too many needs in life. Although the term 'want' can be applied to the phrases above, I'd rather stick with 'need'. It gives it a more desperate cry.

The stupid act of the day, talking on the phone in a over-packed classroom and then accidentally leaving cellphone behind and then having to pick it up at police station 20 mins out of my way. STUPID STUPID STUPID. But I'm glad to whoever it was who found it and was nice enough to bring it to the police. It would have been $400 dollars down the drain if they just took it, and I would have been sad. I was a bit slow too, it took me over 6 hours to realize that my phone was missing. And when I called back my own number, some cop lady who couldn't speak english picked up. And I had to describe my phone to her in french and I had to tell her to call my house so that she can get proof that it was my phone and blah blah blah. I've learnt my lesson. I'm never letting that stupid phone out of my sight.

Superrrrrrrrrrrr long day at school today, and with only 3 hours of sleep, I think I almost died in class. Especially during the first lecture. Developped a huge headache somewhere along the way and didn't get much work done either. Midterms coming up and I'm starting to stress out, but I don't study. LOL. I need motivatioooooooooooooon. Where can I buy that please? Cuz my body seems to lack that. Procrastination to the max.....well, not to the max anymore, can't afford to do that anyore. More like procrastination to the max possible extent....which isn't very far, considering how behind i am in school right now. Spent all weekend "TRYING" to catch up and still am very extremely behind.

On a lighter note, yet, a lil on the boring side, I had a very nice lab experience today. Unlike last week's lab of hell where I was so lost and stressed that I never wanted to set foot into another lab again. Pair up in groups of 4 to do the experiment, had a great time talking and chatting with the people who were in my bench area. My two chinese TA's were entertained by my lab partner's attempt at trying to speak/learn chinese. Super hilarious. And as usual, our result was stubborn and refused to react properly. Now my hands smell like chemicals, and still do after I've washed them about 10 times. *sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Must be a good girl and go read some Organic 2. Yay!

有時候...我真的很懷念我曾度過的快樂記憶. 有時會想...如果時間可以停留在這時刻會多好. 但現實終是那麼的殘忍 偏偏要逼人面對艱難的未來 對於一個小小的我 根本是一個難以應付的事實. 為什麼在我最辛苦的時候會讓我想起過去快樂的事情? 這不是讓人覺得現實更黑暗更孤獨嗎? 美麗的回憶真的很難找到而且很偵珍貴 我很想創作多一些快樂回憶 証明給自己看 這世界沒有我想的那麼差. 孤獨的人只希望這一條又長又暗的路可以有一個可靠的人帶點光到這條路來 那就不會怕迷路 我也不例外 我要等多久才能遇到這一個人? 冷冰冰的世界真的很無趣啊 .... 或許....有一天, 奇蹟真會出現......


等待.
希望.
幸福.

...要相信它的存在...

In a cheery mood this nice Friday afternoon. Haven't posted on this thing in the longest time. Finished school early today, but refused to go home early since that would mean starting my homework earlier. For someone who's already behind on school work, I'm doing a pretty bad job of catching up. :S

Meet up with some random people I knew today. Not close friends, but good aquaintances....that's how i would describe them. And the thing that irked me the most was the childishness of this certain girl. You would think that by now, the fact that we're all in university, that its time to let go of those childish games you play in high school. Whoever thought of ignoring the friend of a girl you don't like. OK. You have a problem with my friend.....who was also once your very close friend, and now the two of you aren't talking. I'm not one to interfere with that. But must you impose this onto me too? I have nothing to do with this fight, and yet I'm also being ignored. I have to laugh at this. I would have expected a bit more than that. But, I mean, some people just can't keep up with the maturity level I guess. *shrugs*

On a happier note, the highlight of the month should be that I went to the BSB CONCERT!!! LOL. Teenybopperism strikes again. Haven't gone this crazy since I was in high school. A funny story, while we were sitting waiting for the concert to start.....out of nowhere, this tall skinny guy comes walking down our row and plops himself into the empty seat next to me. My friends and I look at each other funny....thinking WTF is this guy doing here by himself?. So as it turns out, he was a bsb fan. Maybe an even bigger fan than we were. Later we saw that he had a bsb cap on his head, and during the whole concert, we sang along with every single song. Shocking isn't it? It was so funny hearing a male voice screaming amongst the high pitched screams of the female fans.

Here are a few random pics I took:





Mr. Nick Carter doing I don't know what on the floor o_O




Dancing to All I Have to Give



The boys coming out dressed in Canadiens Jerseys.....and yes, AJ is wearing a quilt.

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Due to the high amount of unpleasant things I've encountered today, I've suddenly had an urge to update. I had my physics final today. That sentence alone should say enough arleady. For once, being a good non-procrastinator, I crammed for a total of 6 days for this stupid exam. 6 freaking days. And I walked out of that exam room doubting whether if i'll pass the course. I hate physics! I'm seriously going to break down and cry if I have to retake the course this summer. And with great timing, I decided I had to be on pms today. Everything just seems as though it wants to piss me off. Just 2 more exams left to go, and then I can go sleep for a whole week. I hope i survive. It's sad how I fail to do well in school. I used to be so motivated and focused and now I'm happy with a mere passing mark. Speaking of which, upon hearing that University is twice as hard, I'm starting to wonder whether or not if I want to go to Uni. hehehehe.

College officially finished on Tuesday. It has yet to hit me that I'll never some of these people again. Yet I have no feelings whatsoever. College passed by too fast to actually let it sink in. And in these two years, more drama has happened than the five-years I went through in high school. Funny how it seems that in a short two years, people come and go. School and friends can make the biggest difference. Some will climb over mountains to help their friends, while others will turn their back in an instant on them just to excel in school. Two-faced-backstabbers. Those are the type of people that pollute majority of my school. Chinese people and their fascination with gossip. Gossipers ending the school year with a bang, with an explosion of gossip about almost each and every chinese person in our group. To gossip about our own friends "behind their backs", or so they say, since word comes around anyways. It gets tiring, and I'm ready to leave all this behind. It was true when people told me that as I got older, its harder and harder to make real friends. You find out that most of the people who are nice to you aren't really nice to you because they want to be, but because you're of some good use to them.

I had a nice chat with a few of my friends, real friends, and it was funny to hear them say their first impression of me. When I first went into college, all the chinese-chinese-fobs-who speak-only-chinese-and-associate-with-chinese-people thought that I was a white washed girl who didn't understand any chinese at all. And when I spoke in chinese, I received the infamous "OMG, you speak chinese!" line. And now, I met people during my second year of college who were more like me, and weren't as chinese-oriented. And these people looked at me and thought "Oh wow, super fobby chinese girl". I just found it amusing how I gave people different first impressions.

KangTa *Gamyon (If you go...)*

I can't swallow up, I always cry, in front of others I'm confused I can't even walk...
little by little the more I look for you the more you're far away and I can't call you
I'm heart-rending I'm lost I seem tainted, useless
in my heart you're not able to smile anymore
I'm clining at those feelings like a fool

* Don't come, don't come back, I'm running onto you
but live and forget me
far away, farther, far away from me
can't happen this, can't be like that
I'm a fool, it's better if you go away
don't remember me, don't miss me, rather leave me dying alone...

Words of "take care", "I'm sorry", or about when we were happy once
and when you will leave me
it's better if you come and kill me now
without you day after day my look is more deadly
you knew it, you knew you wouldn't come back, too
I'm like you what can I do, what the hell can I do?
why did you leave me? why?

* repeat

Miss Lilglassrose has gotten accepted into McGill. Yay for me. I spent so much time stressing over this, and now I can finally breathe properly. The problem now is, whether or not if I'll survive BioChem next year. :S I feel dizzy thinking about that already.

Tired. No words to express. Just feel like updating for the sake of posting up lyrics. hehehe.

Park Hyo Shin *Snow flower*

Somehow our shadows grow longer
As I'm walking with you in the twilight
Holding hands, this eternity
Just being together brings tears to my eyes

When the wind is cold
Winter is coming closer.
Little by little on this path
The season when I'll have to leave you is coming

Now as I look up at the first snow of the year
In this moment together
I want to give you everything
And hold you in my arms

I am not just a weak person
I love you like this
That is the only thing in my heart

When I'm with you, whatever may happen
It seems like I'll be able to do it
You give me that feeling
Today passes, and on into eternity
I pray that our love will last forever

The wind rattles my windows
When I awaken in the dark night
And I'll erase all your painful memories
Through this smile

The white snowflakes fall endlessly
On this path as we walk
Not knowing if someday it'll change
We go on through the changing colors of light

I lived for someone
I wanted to do something - everything - for them
I learnt that is what love is

If maybe I'd known where you were
I would've been the star on a winter night
Shining my light on you
On the happy days,
And on the sad nights wet with tears
Always, always beside you

Now as I look up at the first snow of the year
In this moment together
I want to give you everything
And hold you in my arms

Don't cry, look at me
Still beside you
All my heart wants is to be with you
I won't let you go again

Endlessly falling around us
On this path full of snowflakes
Little by little in your heart and mine
Our tiny memories become full
You are forever beside me

Beautiful song from Misa that gets me everytime. The original Japanese version sung by Mika Nakashima sends shivers down my spine. The beginning notes always brings a wave of sadness. That must have been how powerful the impact of misa was. Such a strong cast with such a powerful storyline. Concerning the repressed love for a mother, and illustrating the cruetlity of reality. A man's struggle with himself, and with love while leading a life whose fate he already knows. It truly depicts the harshness of life.

Is depression contagious?

When everyone around you seems to be depressed and stressed out, does it not single you out if you don't share the same feelings as they do? Or is it because of the fact that they're so negative that gets u to start thinking negatively too? I thought i was fine. Maybe I was too soon to assume so. Applications are indeed over. To me, I thought the main key to my stress was gone and done with. Apparently not. Seeing friends around me drag themselves deeper and deeper into a hole they dug for themselves makes me feels twice as bad. It scares me that they are so depressed. I feel helpless. But at the same time, I can't help but feel that I'm not the only who was going through the same thing. To spend countless time and energy slaving over school and to be never able to achieve a satisfiying mark. Why bother getting so worked up over this? Stay strong, the past is the past, if you don't let go of the past, there won't be room for the future.